on independence
When I thought about becoming a mom, I thought that a lot of things about my life would change, but I also thought that I would be able to keep some of the core parts of myself. I could talk about this as a bigger picture regarding my identity, but there are so many parts that make me “me,” and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of them - and they each deserve a bit of attention. My hope that is that working through some of these will help me as I try to figure out who I am in this new life - both as a mom and having suffered a major injury (and a minor-ish one) that I do believe has altered my life if not forever, but for a very long time.
One of the biggest shifts I feel like I’ve experienced is a loss of independence. When I had my herniated disc, I relied on people for everything - I couldn’t refill my own water, had all food brought to me, couldn’t put on my own pants and certainly couldn’t shower myself. Six months earlier I was backpacking around Nepal, trekking through snow in $5 rain boots. On my first trip to the grocery store after my back surgery, which felt like a step I needed to take to feel “normal,” I had to call my husband to meet me because I didn’t feel like I could make it home with the bag of groceries. (Bought a few too many, who hasn’t?)
Before, I had a lot pride in the fact that I did so many things independently. I moved to NYC not knowing a single person. I traveled the world and navigated some snafus without any fear. Whenever people ask me about if I was worried while traveling solo, I usually would reply by saying that people are very helpful when you need it, which relieved some of the burden of wondering “what if.”
But now? I get nervous doing things without my husband because - what if I need him? What if I can’t do what I think I can do? My body has failed me in multiple ways over the past year and a half, mostly just out of nowhere. It’s hard to think about myself as an independent person when I get nervous doing regular every day tasks. Luckily I can now carry groceries, although I’d be lying if I said that one too many doesn’t still make me wonder if one misstep will make everything crash down again.
Last weekend, Martin and I took a mommy and me trip to visit some friends and their littles in Charlotte. It was part a trip to see friends and to meet/see their children, but part of it was to show myself that I could do it. Austen and I have navigated travel with Martin together, and it’s a lot! (So. Much. Stuff.) A perk of visiting friends with babies is that they have baby stuff, so that took a load off of what I needed to bring, so I could focus on bringing just us. And we did it! It was a smooth trip (no delays, no lost luggage….this time) which made it easier. Was it different than my previous carefree independent travels? 100%.
But you know what? Just like before, people were so willing to help. From the check in attendants who helped me get my backpack on while I was wearing Martin to the multiple people who put my bag in the overhead compartment (I had practiced at home!) to people who went out of their way to say how good Martin did on the flight - maybe it’s less about priding myself on being independent and more so about accepting of the help of others. I’m ever thankful for the help and support I received while in the trenches of my injury and recovery (and delivery and postpartum).
They say it takes a village to raise a child and perhaps it takes a also village to journey through this life. I’m not far enough removed from my herniated disc and surgery (and broken ankle) to put them behind me, and I’m still (and forever) learning how to be a mom. I do hope that one day I’ll feel that independence that I used to love about myself, but this is also a reminder that it is wonderful to have people who are willing to surround us and help when we can’t quite do it all ourselves.